People often seem to think that abused people are weak and small women who can’t stand up for themselves – but this isn’t true at all. Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of how big and strong they are.

In fact, abuse can happen to men just as easily as it can to women and just because some abuse isn’t physical – it doesn’t mean that it isn’t just as bad or maybe even worse.

Understanding how abuse in relationships works is the first step to ending it. If you can recognize what abuse is and how it can manifest – you should be able to spot the early warning signs when you find yourself in a potentially abusive relationship or when someone you know is in one.

Physical Abuse

Whether you call it physical abuse or domestic violence, it is essentially the same thing. Someone using force in such a way that it causes harm, injuries, or endangers their partner is being abusive – and unfortunately that happens way too often.

But what most people don’t know is that sexual abuse is also a type of physical abuse.

Any sexual activity that is unwanted or forced can be considered sexual abuse – this may even include sexual acts that are degrading in nature.

One of the biggest misconceptions about physical abuse is that it is only really physical abuse if it is severe. This is simply not true. Even minor types of physical abuse are still physical abuse – and they are just as bad. There is really no type of abuse that is ‘okay’ or even ‘acceptable’.

So just because physical abuse isn’t leaving a partner battered the way you see on TV – that doesn’t mean that it isn’t just as serious.

Most partners who are physically abusive have an established track record of being that way. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that even though your partner struck you once or twice in a relationship they’ve changed and won’t do it again.

Studies have repeatedly shown that any partner who has been abusive once is overwhelmingly likely to repeat that behavior.

Frankly there is only one choice in a relationship that is physically abusive – get your partner to seek comprehensive psychological help, or end it.

Assuming the physical abuse is severe, you might need help. In most countries the police are authorized to intervene in cases of physical abuse and domestic violence – so you do not need to be afraid.

That being said if you feel you can handle it without the involvement of the authorities, it is still safer to bring along a friend – preferably one who can handle themselves if necessary.

Once you are out of the house, cut all contact with your abusive partner. Do not let them know where you are, do not agree to any form of contact. It is definitely going to be a trying time for you emotionally – but in the long run you will find that you are far better off.

Verbal Abuse

Unlike physical abuse that is often very blatant, verbal abuse is a lot more insidious in nature. In fact –many people don’t even consider it a form of abuse.

If someone constantly belittles their partner by calling them names, criticizing them for everything, and basically humiliates them – that is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be a tirade of screamed insults, or even a collection of snide and sarcastic comments.

And make no mistake; it is every bit as serious as physical abuse.

In many ways, verbal abuse is actually a connection to another form of abuse: emotional abuse. This is because the constant tirades can cause a person to suffer emotionally and seriously affect their self-esteem and self-confidence.

Someone who is verbally abusive will not necessarily resort to physical abuse. Matter of fact, it is far more common that verbally abusive people use the threat of physical abuse instead of actually acting on it.

Because society regards verbal abuse as being more ‘permissible’ than physical abuse – it gives the abusers a sense of leeway. Very often people who are verbally abusive do not feel they are doing anything wrong.

So the first step in putting an end to verbal abuse is to actually make the person realize that they are being abusive, and it is harmful.

That being said, it is often hard to break a cycle of verbal abuse – especially if a person has been doing it for so long that it has become a habit. Generally verbally abusive people are not just abusive towards their partners, but rather they are abusive towards many others too.

Forcing them to seek help is not easy, but it may be necessary.

Remember that even if your partner realizes that they are being abusive and feels guilty, that is no guarantee they will change. More often than not things could just get ‘normal’ for a while, before the abuse begins again.

If all else fails, your last recourse is to end the relationship and move on – just as with physical abuse.

Emotional Abuse

Of all the types of abuse out there, emotional abuse is probably the least obvious – but could potentially be the most damaging. In fact, most people who suffer from physical abuse and verbal abuse also suffer from emotional abuse.

But others simply do not realize that they are suffering.

Emotional abuse can chip away slowly but surely at a person’s feelings of self-worth and independence. It can cause you to feel that you are wholly reliant on your partner and have no way out of your relationship because you need them and you’re nothing without them.

A person who is emotionally abusive can go about it in various ways. In almost all cases, emotionally abusive people are controlling to the extreme. They can rigidly control your relationships with others, your finances, your access to money, and even in some cases your career.

In some cases, they also control your emotional state by being unfaithful or alluding to being unfaithful. You can hire a private investigation service such as Are You Cheating to handle such a situation.

By controlling all aspects of your life – they can isolate you and make you vulnerable.

Bear in mind though that emotional abuse need not be aggressive. If the abuser knows your emotional triggers, they can use a variety of methods to get their way, including making you feel guilty and causing you to accept blame for their actions.

In some cases, the abuser may even attempt to humiliate you, or use threats of violence to intimidate you.

If you find that you’re being restricted from seeing your family or friends, or that your partner is imposing strict controls on your access to funds, your career, and so on – chances are you are slowly being isolated.

And if that is the case – you need to get help before it goes too far.

People who are emotionally abused often end up in a situation where they are so dependent on their partner that even though they know something is wrong they feel that they are helpless to act out against it.

But you can act, and should act.

If you need to – get help. Try to reestablish connections with your family and friends as they should be your very first source of support. Then, either choose to confront your partner or simply leave them entirely.

As with all other types of abuse, your partner is going to need to commit to getting help and changing if you actually want to salvage the relationship.

Ending the Cycle of Abuse

Abuse is very often a cycle that ends up repeating over and over again because the abused is taken in and believes the abuser when they are feeling guilty and repentant.

Unfortunately as nice as it would be to believe that someone abusive can turn over a new leaf when they realize their actions are causing harm – that very often isn’t the case.

In most cases, people who are abusive end up that way because of other deep seated psychological problems, and without finding a solution to those problems, the cycle is not going to end.

Sure an abusive person might stop for a while and things might be ‘normal’.

But eventually you will find that most people who have been physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive will go right back to their previous behavior.

So if you want to find a solution – you need to really break the cycle. That can only be done when the abuser commits to getting the help that they need to truly make a change!

Otherwise – although it might be hard and although some part of you might still care about and love your partner, no matter how abusive they were, you need to leave them and get out while you still can.

Ok now instead of being the one who is getting dumped, you are the one who needs to do the dumping. The relationship is just not working and you have got to figure out a way to make the torture end. Not that serious? Maybe the relationship is just not right for you and you are looking to move on. Or maybe you are considering breaking up with them due to suspicions of cheating. In this case though, you may want to make sure you’ve taken the appropriate measures to catch a cheater first.

No matter the intensity of the need to break up, the need is there. While the need is there, you still do not know how exactly to go about it. Is there a right way and a wrong way of breaking up? An easier or harder way? A less or more hurtful way? If you are looking for ways to end a relationship, here are just a few to help you get started. Even if you don't want to use one of these specifically, there may be a great idea in here that will give you the perfect way to end the relationship.

The first way you can end a relationship is to ignore phone calls or other communications from the person. This is only recommended with a new relationship, not someone with whom you have had a lasting bond. If the person is constantly being blown off or ignored by you, they will likely get the hint and go away. If you can't get that to work, you may consider switching phone numbers. If the person doesn't eventually get the hint, there may be an element to that person that you definitely do not want to mess with. Again this is only recommended for relationships in which there is no serious commitment involved.

Another thing you can do is to simply come straight out and tell the person that you are just not interested or you don't think this relationship is right anymore. A lot of times this may seem like a more cruel, more painful way of dumping someone, but there is the definite connection with the band aid analogy. Ripping off the band aid in a swift motion may hurt like hell, but at least the pain is quick. Letting the relationship die a slow and pitiful death is akin to slowly and torturously pulling off a band aid. The pain is still there, only it's slower and more difficult.

Just coming out and telling them that you are no longer interested is recommended to be done in person, however, if you need to feel some kind of disconnection when you are breaking up with someone, there is also a choice of writing a letter or breaking up via phone. While these are seen as slightly less courageous, you may wish to make the ending of the relationship easier on yourself.

If the reason you are breaking up with someone is because you are working on yourself, let them know. Don't let them take the blame for a relationship that is ending because you are getting to know yourself better. Truth is, sometimes you need to take a break from being with others to just be with yourself. If this is the case, tell them out of respect.

These are just some ideas that may help you through initiating a break up. You will have to come to terms and make peace with any method you choose to end a relationship. Always remember, your ultimate goal is to get rid of a relationship that doesn't work, however, don't disregard the other person's feelings in the process. If it were you, how would you want the situation handled?

Creating a successful counseling experience

Here are some general tips when seeking counseling:

1. It is ok to ask counselors about their training, background, degrees, and general belief system about your problem. You can also ask about where the therapist received training. Does this counselor have the expertise or specific training in the problem you are seeking help for? Has the therapist worked with others that have problems similar to yours? It is important to remember that even if your friend recommended a therapist because he or she thought this person was great, this particular therapist may not be the best fit for you. You can ask these questions before you even schedule the first appointment. In the process of asking these questions, you will gain information about the way the counselor answers the questions.
2. Most therapists offer an evaluation or first meeting appointment. Notice how you feel about the therapist. It is normal to feel slightly uncomfortable especially when you are talking about sensitive things. It is important that you feel understood and that the counselor has empathy for your situation, at the same time you want a counselor who tells you the truth and challenges you to gain new insight. This might feel slightly uncomfortable but it is important because this is where growth comes from.
3. If you feel disconnected from the counselor this is a problem. You want to find someone that you will connect with. Start your search at Estadt Psychological Services.
4. If it is important to you that you have a therapist that understands your cultural beliefs then make it known to the counselor. Therapists are usually open to learning about different cultures, however, if you don’t want to have to teach your culture you may want to find someone that shares your background.
5. Trust your judgment on your issues. Your counselor may challenge you, but you are your own best therapist. Just because your counselor has a degree that doesn’t make the therapist the expert on your life.
6. If you have a misunderstanding or don’t like what your counselor said be sure to discuss it. Sometimes great healing can be the result of a misunderstanding. Therapy is a great way to practice new interpersonal skills such as conflict management and communication skills. This may not always be easy.
7. Make sure that you are talking about what YOU want in the sessions. If your therapist is leading you off track or you don’t want to discuss something it is important to share this with your counselor.
8. Remember that this is your therapy, the therapist only sees you for 1 hour during the week. Your job is to think about the sessions, dwell in them and your problems during the week. Your therapist is not a miracle worker.
9. Most importantly, the therapist/client relationship is an intimate one. Great healing can happen between the two of you if you are honest and trust yourself.